Sex can be romantic, fun, or even exciting, but sometimes it’s none of those things. Sometimes it’s just, well, boring. According to data in the Journal of Sex Research, 27 percent of women and 41 percent of men are sexually dissatisfied in their current relationship.
From lack of time to medical conditions, there are lots of valid reasons why the spark may be gone from the bedroom.
We’ll dive between the sheets to discuss the issues behind boring sex, how to discuss sexual dissatisfaction with your partner, and ways to spice up your sex life again.What do you and your partner consider boring?
Sexual tastes and needs vary, so what satisfies one person may not satisfy another. But different people who are no longer sexually satisfied in their relationships may be experiencing similar problems.
The business of life might mean you’re spending less time in the bedroom. Sex may feel more like a chore than a fun activity. Maybe you’ve been having the same type and style of sex for years. All these factors can make sex feel less exciting.
If you’re missing the spark between yourself and your partner, you’re not alone. For some people, the end of the honeymoon phase signals the end of exciting sex. But you can find ways to address the problem.Underlying issues behind boring sex
It can feel daunting to uncover the reasons your sex life has turned bland, but there are several possible causes of sexual dissatisfaction.
Someone with ADHD may be hypersexual and be increasingly focused on porn instead of on their partner. ADHD can also lead to hyposexuality, which can create a rift between partners who no longer have the same libido.
For people with vaginas, pain during sex isn’t entirely uncommon, and pain during vaginal penetration can lead to an avoidance of sex. People with penises may also experience pain during sex. When someone avoids sex, their partner may feel dissatisfied or unwanted.
Some mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety, can also manifest in the bedroom. One study found that intensified depression symptoms were associated with a decrease in sexual and relationship satisfaction.
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To help you be well, we’ll send you honest talk about women’s bodies, and beauty, nutrition, and fitness advice.Discussing how you feel with your partner
If you feel your sex life has become boring, the first and most important step is an open, honest discussion with your partner. Communication is an essential part of having good, fun sex.
It’s important to approach the conversation from a nonjudgmental point of view. If the changes in your sex life are due to a medical issue, showing your support can make a world of difference to your partner.
Here are some possible ways to start the conversation:
- “I’ve noticed that things seem different between us in the bedroom lately. Is everything OK?”
- “We haven’t been able to spend as much intimate time together as we used to. Do you mind if we talk about it?”
- “I really miss the spark between us, and I’d love to get that back. Could we try a few new things in the bedroom?”
If you’re hurt by the changes in your sex life, it’s important to let your partner know. Expressing your feelings openly can give your partner a chance to make positive changes.Ways to spice up your sex life
If you’re dissatisfied with your sex life, there are plenty of things you can do to bring excitement back into the bedroom.Seek treatment for medical issues
If there’s a medical reason for the changes in your sex life, seeking treatment can improve your satisfaction. For example, one study found that cognitive behavioral therapy improved sexual function, depression, and anxiety symptoms in people with vaginismus.Embrace communication about sex
Something as simple as a lack of communication can make the difference between good and bad sex. Many factors contribute to sexual satisfaction, and discussing your likes, dislikes, and passions can help your partner better satisfy you.Make time for passionate sex
If you and your partner are having trouble finding time for sex, it may leave you feeling unsatisfied. It can also make sex feel like a chore, something you “have to do.”
Setting aside time to enjoy sex again can help you keep things exciting and satisfying.Try role-playing in the bedroom
According to a 2017 study, roughly 22 percent of people have tried role-playing. With role-playing, you can create and act out exciting sex scenarios in a trusted environment.
If both you and your partner are open to trying it, role-playing can help improve sexual communication and passion in an otherwise boring bedroom.Test the waters with sex toys
Sex toys can be a great addition to a healthy sex life. There are many types of sex toys on the market, and finding one that is stimulating to both partners can make good sex even better.Explore your (and your partner’s) kinks
Kinky sex isn’t as taboo as it used to be. Plenty of couples engage in consensual kink exploration as an exciting addition to their sex lives.
Consent, boundaries, and communication are the most important considerations when you’re exploring kinks.Talk to a mental health professional
A sex therapist can help you and your partner uncover and resolve issues and bring passion back into your sex life. Research has even shown that improving spiritual and emotional intelligence can help improve sexual satisfaction.Bottom Line:
Sex may start to feel boring for many reasons, including lack of time, lost passion, or even a medical condition. With honest communication and the right tools, you can bring the passion back into your sex life.Reference:
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. (2017). When sex is painful.
Frederick DA, et al. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national U.S. study. DOI:
Herbenick D, et al. (2017). Sexual diversity in the United States: Results from a nationally representative probability sample of adult women and men. DOI:
Kalka D. (2018). Depression symptoms, sexual satisfaction and satisfaction with a relationship in individuals with type 2 diabetes and sexual dysfunctions. DOI:
Kling J, et al. (2017). Association of sleep disturbance and sexual function in postmenopausal women. DOI:
Mayo Clinic Staff. (2019). Sex therapy.
Rahmati R, et al. (2018). The relationship between spiritual and emotional intelligence and sexual satisfaction of married women.
Safak Öztürk C, et al. (2017). Effect of cognitive behavioral therapy on sexual satisfaction, marital adjustment, and levels of depression and anxiety symptoms in couples with vaginismus.
Talking about sex. (n.d.).
Photo Credit: Sinitta Leunen